"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded."

"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"No one but a theorist believes his theory; everyone puts faith in a laboratory result but the experimenter himself."

"Go and wake up your luck."

"I was in for 10 hours and had 40 pints - beating my previous record by 20 minutes."

"What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: 'Why is it so dark in here?'"

"Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit."

"Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone."